DIARY OF A DEAD ARTIST #1
“Gu Yu International Performance Art Festival 2013”,
Xi An, China, May 25, 2013,
I woke up this morning and realized I was dead. I m a ghost of my self and died a long time ago. This is the end. It’s past the end I m not real only a Ghost but I don’t really know it only moments like these but all too soon I go about as if I were still alive and place my self amidst the others. Play it like I was in their script but I am not actually. Because I am dead. Only a ghost in their frame of daily dramas. My shadows only imagined ones as much as my mind and body. I am but a ghost of who I was before.
The light was bright when I was just passing away. Yes that great white light was just as it was when I was born. Was it not the same white light as I came out of my mother’s womb. Pure light of love, pure energy so bright and light almost like flying but not so. I refused to go straight away. That’s why I am here still. You know how it is? But who am I talking to but myself after all I am dead. But I forget. Or maybe I don’t want to admit it. I am just another dissatisfied ghost of who I was before. Hanging on to do what I failed to do before I died. Dissatisfied soul with an unfulfilled life. Or maybe with too many impossible dreams? Over ambitious maybe? What was it did it become too hard as one by one they left you while wanting or was it just plain forgetfulness? Or excessive temptations that led to over-indulgence?
There is no point in hovering around and pretending I am still alive. Dead people cannot contribute anymore to life. The changes I was hoping for. I should have asked for it. At least spoke about them. Why did I not tell them? I was busy, I thought it was not yet time. Quite right. Now they have gone too far. The changes that became what it is now. Oh no!! Why didn’t I say it before? I had a right didn’t I? Well even not at least they could still hear you. Now no matter how loud you shout or yell no one can hear you. It’s too late. Too late my friendly ghost of your past man. Damn!!
It’s too bad!. It’s too late. It’s time to go, but like always you are too slow. Always behind what ever it was supposed to be. Well oh well, that’s why they call me the master of going slower haha…look at me. A shadow of what I was before and still I want to stay? Perhaps I should go and rest? But not yet cause I am not in peace yet. How can I? After all I did, the seeds I planted have not yet found its fruition. No not even started to reach out for the sky. Maybe showed some sprouts but that’s like bean sprouts. Anyone can plant those. What I planted? I don’t really know but surely not just little offshoots of them kuching kurap dah!! Some kind of hybrid for sure. Something that’s good enough to give a fruit for makan and some wood to at least make some decent stool with? If not an actual steady chair. Not a throne it’s ok. I don’t care much for them royalty anyway. But something steady not the kind that has one leg short and make the sitter feel insecure. Or so flimsy it will sink when fatty bomb bomb sits on it!! No not yet for me to rest in peace until i see them leaves at least reach closer to the sky. Yes. That’s why I am still here although I am dead and gone. Can’t go yet. No. Until those leaves reach for the sky….
- Lee Wen
21 April 2013
Xi An, China, May 25, 2013,
I woke up this morning and realized I was dead. I m a ghost of my self and died a long time ago. This is the end. It’s past the end I m not real only a Ghost but I don’t really know it only moments like these but all too soon I go about as if I were still alive and place my self amidst the others. Play it like I was in their script but I am not actually. Because I am dead. Only a ghost in their frame of daily dramas. My shadows only imagined ones as much as my mind and body. I am but a ghost of who I was before.
The light was bright when I was just passing away. Yes that great white light was just as it was when I was born. Was it not the same white light as I came out of my mother’s womb. Pure light of love, pure energy so bright and light almost like flying but not so. I refused to go straight away. That’s why I am here still. You know how it is? But who am I talking to but myself after all I am dead. But I forget. Or maybe I don’t want to admit it. I am just another dissatisfied ghost of who I was before. Hanging on to do what I failed to do before I died. Dissatisfied soul with an unfulfilled life. Or maybe with too many impossible dreams? Over ambitious maybe? What was it did it become too hard as one by one they left you while wanting or was it just plain forgetfulness? Or excessive temptations that led to over-indulgence?
There is no point in hovering around and pretending I am still alive. Dead people cannot contribute anymore to life. The changes I was hoping for. I should have asked for it. At least spoke about them. Why did I not tell them? I was busy, I thought it was not yet time. Quite right. Now they have gone too far. The changes that became what it is now. Oh no!! Why didn’t I say it before? I had a right didn’t I? Well even not at least they could still hear you. Now no matter how loud you shout or yell no one can hear you. It’s too late. Too late my friendly ghost of your past man. Damn!!
It’s too bad!. It’s too late. It’s time to go, but like always you are too slow. Always behind what ever it was supposed to be. Well oh well, that’s why they call me the master of going slower haha…look at me. A shadow of what I was before and still I want to stay? Perhaps I should go and rest? But not yet cause I am not in peace yet. How can I? After all I did, the seeds I planted have not yet found its fruition. No not even started to reach out for the sky. Maybe showed some sprouts but that’s like bean sprouts. Anyone can plant those. What I planted? I don’t really know but surely not just little offshoots of them kuching kurap dah!! Some kind of hybrid for sure. Something that’s good enough to give a fruit for makan and some wood to at least make some decent stool with? If not an actual steady chair. Not a throne it’s ok. I don’t care much for them royalty anyway. But something steady not the kind that has one leg short and make the sitter feel insecure. Or so flimsy it will sink when fatty bomb bomb sits on it!! No not yet for me to rest in peace until i see them leaves at least reach closer to the sky. Yes. That’s why I am still here although I am dead and gone. Can’t go yet. No. Until those leaves reach for the sky….
- Lee Wen
21 April 2013